kevINda

One of these things doesn’t belong here. Sing along. Dammit.

Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Bruce Willis… what do they all have in common? They’re all action movie actors. They’re the action movie actors. They are who you think of when you’re casting an action movie. And, apparently, they’re who The Expendables director, producers, casting director all thought of when putting together this new action movie. So what’s missing? An African-American character. And who would be the perfect tough guy brotha to round out the cast? Who’s the first person who pops into anybody’s mind? Duh! It’s the dad on Everybody Hates Chris! Of course. Wait… what?!

I don’t have anything against Terry Crews (that’s the actor’s name). He’s a decent actor. He’s funny. Whatever.

But was there nobody else who actually fits the profile of the rest the cast? You know… someone who has been the action hero in at least one other action movie? Let’s look at Crews’ filmography as if we were casting this high-octane action flick. He played a cop in a Blink-182 music video. Cops are action-ey. Check. Oh, and he was in White Chicks. That entire movie was like a violent assault on the eyes. So, check. And who can forget the riveting, action-filled Puff, Puff, Pass? Norbit? Who’s Your Caddy? Balls of Fury? Check. Check. And check.

Again, nothing against Crews. I’m pissed (and isn’t that usually the reason behind most of kevINda’s blogs) that there has been such a void of Black action movie hero characters over the past twenty years that there was no other obvious Expendables choice besides the star of the upcoming Are We There Yet?. None. And before you go there, Will Smith doesn’t count. I’m talking the bad-ass guy who gets the call from the President/the military/the covert secret CIA-like agency when they/the country/the world needs some former Navy Seal/operative/assassin to go into the jungle/middle-Eastern country/Soviet Union and bust up some heads. Yes, Will Smith’s characters save the day but his characters are always the accidental fish-out-of-water, in-over-his-head, learn-as-you-go type of hero. For this querulous blog I’m talking full-on, “This is my job that no one else can do and it’s my curse because I’ll never be able to lead a normal life in this country I love to risk my life for protecting… over and over again.”  I’m talking Jack Bauer. Rambo. Action Jackson. John McClain. Shaft. I’m talking yippee-ki-yay motherfucka, I’ll be back, you go in pieces. I’m not talking Terry Crews. No offense.

So where did all the Black action heroes go? And by “all,” I mean Carl Weathers, Bill Duke, Richard Roundtree and Taimak. Yes, I went there. Taimak.

Who are our Stallones? Who are our Jet Lis? (Li looks funny plural, doesn’t it? But, I digress.) Who are our Lundgrens? We did have Vin Diesel for a while. But didn’t he have a thing about not wanting to be identified as Black? Or gay? But, I digress yet again. Ice Cube was in xXx and Ghosts of Mars. Ha! Ice Cube as an action movie hero. That makes me chuckle every time. Hell, Michael Jai White’s Black Dynamite would have made more sense than casting Terry Crews. No offense.

I guess we should be happy he’s even in the movie. At least we have one. White people, you probably have no idea how many times we have heard that sadly comforting sentence. “At least we have one.” But it’s a fact of our cinematic history. Let’s just hope he isn’t the first to die. No offense.

- Inda