kevINda

I think I’ll go with the highlights.

My former boyfriend from my junior year of high school just emailed me. I haven’t heard from him since 1980-something. He sent a “hey, saw a poster for one of your shows, small world” kinda email. I responded with a “hey, good to hear from you… whatcha been up to?” kinda email. Apparently, this is what he’s been up to:

Well, I have a degree in computer science and astrophysics and a minor in French philosophy. It took me an extra year to graduate, because I went abroad for a year to save a rare, indigenous plant species which — as it turns out — is the cure for at least thirteen forms of cancer. Who knew?! While I was over there I also took a little time to teach impoverished youth how to fish. You know the saying: teach a man to fish… but I digress. Anyway, yeah, Paris was a blast. Didn’t you always want to go there? Still can’t afford it, huh? Oh well. Since coming back to the States, I’ve created a pro-Black radical organization that empowers the youth of America. Barack Obama was one of my best students. And I sit on the board of several philanthropic organizations, along with my wife, Mary Mother of God. Might have heard of her? In my free time I dabble in the arts. Where’d MMoG put that Pulitzer? She’s always moving my things when she’s not volunteering me for yet another socially conscious group or teaching our two perfect children a new language (that’s six at last count). Or breastfeeding orphans. In our Hyde Park brownstone. Didn’t you always want to live in Hyde Park? Can’t afford that either, huh? Yeah, I don’t know how I’d afford myself if it weren’t for those “genius” grants I received. I hate titles. Don’t you? So limiting and divisive. Speaking of titles, I see you have a different last name. I take it you’re married? Good for you. MMoG and I both hyphenated our last names because I’m also a feminist. Did I mention that I received a Purple Heart? Long story. Some other time. So… what have you been up to, Inda?

Okay, I heightened a little for comedic effect. But not much. How do you come back from that?

I write sketch comedy.

Yep.

And… um… I rescued some drowning… puppies in… Afghanistan-istan. Because they were being held by rebel troops. Led by Mamoud…Ali…Shaheed…Muhammad. Nasty business, that. You understand, of course, because that’s so similar to what you do with … um… and the work of… of Jesus and uh… Dr. King.

I got nothing. No comeback. Nada. I have never felt so self-centered and shallow in all my life. He’s saving the world and I’m wondering if I should put my weave back in. Maybe just some highlights. (That was my hair in 1984, by the way.)

- Inda